pictures

painting pretty pictures. paying so much attention to detail, to every leaf, every branch, and every flower. hoping it will matter...

a few hours ago, my life was just perfect. i ran the brushes on the canvas, was excited about tomorrow, day after tomorrow, and, and, and. like dominos, it all fell: first tomorrow, then day after tomorrow, then all tomorrows stopped their existence. details of my life, little irregularities of it, do not matter anymore, do not make me one of the millions. 

experiencing the impassable cold, im shaking. i did not love him, yet, i do not want him to leave. far away, he is running from me. i know i could have made him more comfortable, i could have laughed more, i could have showed him more. but, there is no time for regrets. i will not survive another one.

he runs away 

and im painting this pretty, very foggy painting

snehove spravy

nie je cas na slova. nemozem sa ho dockat uz po chvili co odidem do svojej postele - nieto po niekolkych dnoch. snezi - za oknami je ludoprazdno a len on mi vie dokonale ohriat lica. dam si dva pohare vody. chyba - chudak, neviem ako alebo kde bude spat. to som teda o sebe nevedela. 

v myslienkach mi zneje melodia brush my teeth with a bottle of jack cause when i leave for the night, i aint coming back. registrujem vecerne spravy alebo teda cisla v dolnej casti obrazovky. zaznamenavam si jednoduche vone - vonia tu ako pop-corn. zasa porovnavam jeho dvakrat vacsie chodidla s mojimi. nevyrastla som. 

naucil sa ma velmi rychlo. hrame jednou melodiu - aj ked len v jedinej dimenzii.

dedicated

decided to get it all.

i look at him questioning myself if i can love him. if i can live with him. no, no, dont take me wrong- everything is amazing and his morning coffee tastes like heaven, but it is a relief to know that he plans to go to a grad school - too strange to think that way for me. i became benevolent. i dont care whether he looks at me as his rest-of-his-life woman. i know that people dont change from day to day. but i did. 

i changed and all i really care about now is to try to be monogamous. yes, i am going to meet this attractive former football player on Monday. the intentions are right thou. i cant change the fact that the coincidences like this will happen to me and him!

and then i care about him going for that december wedding with me. no, dont promise me you will stay with me for the rest of your life. dont.

dont judge me. you cant judge me for becoming you.

i will have it all

turn to the next page

he looks at me like i was ms. perfect and that makes me so comfortable. we lead these passionate debates who-knows-about-what, and he seems to be excited. yes, we couldnt wait to get to that point- yes, you know what point. i like it more than i want to, and i am not as strong as i should be, but i didnt care too much. 

in the silence, between taking those deep breaths and wetting the sheets in the soft light, he says he thinks he loves me. i roll my eyes - it actually sounds funny. and, i get scared. loving me for being... good? oh no, please. 

comes over the next night, stays for another day, leaves on friday, but doesnt come back. 

i find myself thinking i need him here. 

once again, i am where i dont wanna be

predtym nez poviem dobre rano

Este je tma ked otvorim oci. Nepocitam baranky, len stisnem viecka a myslim na modre nebo, zlte slnko a zelenu travu s nejakym krovim. Podobne ako na detskom vykrese – len vynecham domcek s oknom predelenym vstvoro, velkymi dverami a krivym kominom pripevnenym k streche pod pravym uhlom. Robievam to tak od malicka. Malo by to fungovat ako baranky.

Este som mu chcela povedat, ze ked lezime, vyzera inak ako inokedy.

Zaujimam viacerych. Lichoti mi to. Viem, nema preco. Okna tymto neumyjem, ani zelena luka, zlte slnko a modre, bezoblacne nebo sa mi nebude premietat jednoduchsie. Dofrasa, stale ma nepresiel fakt, ze s blizencami si panny nerozumeju. Preco je tolko chlapov narodenych v juni?

Vravim si, ze casom vsetko preboli, spomienky sa vytratia, neciste pohnutky utecu alebo si najdu niekoho ineho. A ja raz vyrastiem z tych hormonalnych neistot. To si teda takto vravievam.

Brnkli mi do nosa prave popoluskyne ranne luce. 

dancing lesson.

going for a dancing class, im covering my side intentions. 

...

he smiles at me with a toothbrush in his mouth. i dont have to think whether its appropriate to kiss him or not. he makes the decision later for me. altho, i exactly know what i want.

he cooks for us. not that i have not seen a man cooking, but right now, i find it fascinating. someone makes me feel so special!

and then i went for that dancing. 

the man and his dog

so, his name is J. it is the only J. ive ever kissed. J. has a white bulldog who doesnt bite, doesnt bark. the dog likes me. J. does too.

and then we lay next to each other - getting know what the other is about. we touch-talk-smile-kiss. he shows me his halloween costume - seeing him being so excited about it, i have to laugh. J. is so boyish, so straight-forward, but then so manly, so sure and firm. 

i dont know if im gonna see him again. we clicked too well. 

hey, and the dog was fat and jealous 

yellow

watching the leaves pilling up, i acknowledge i was too wasteful. i did not appreciate the warmth of the summer. i wasted sunny days like it was plenty of them not thinking about the future. i did not appreciate warmth of your palms, warmth of your breath, your warmth. i did not. because it was plenty of it. 

watching the leaves under the trees, i know it will get worse. it will even come to the point they will be standing there, naked, so naked, and all i will think of will be how i wasted the good days. 

regular breathing when you are asleep creates a tiny layer of moisture on the windows. im so yellow about the winter. so yellow about the future. im one of these leaves that makes the tree naked. 

too good that once this will be just a memory. too good

clubbin

no eye contact, no eye contact, no eye contact! i keep repeating for myself when dancing. somehow, in this club, the eye contact doesnt need to last seven seconds to show your interest. actually, there doesnt need to be any at all. i feel random peoples hands on my waist. im scared to be bolder and bring a bit of drama to this place. (they checked my purse for guns). its so ghetto. its so dark. i dont recognize the music. i feel ashamed for girls who are pole dancing shaking their naked butts. no, no gogo girls. just regular. bit bigger than regular.

i kinda knew m. choices would not work. the second place was crowded with people looking like they all have fake ids. so many stripe shirts - oh gosh, why guys wear stripe shirts - so many dance requests and all of them refused...

when going home, i look up to check in how many windows they are sleeping already - or rather not. maybe i see his or him smoking on the balcony, i dont know - maybe...

its five and i feel like back in teenage years. so late home. so very empty.

i gave it another try

hes texting if i think about him like hes been  since he woke up. 

im polite and reserved. its so hard knowing i will hurt him when i share what i have on my mind. but: better now than later.  

dont know what the turning points going to be. but it (he) will need to be a decent one. to be able to keep up with me. 

now i know

:) heh

laughing. my funny choices. my intuition. (if there is any)

suddenly, he doesnt mind to drive here to bring me an earring i lost in his bed. when he kisses my cheek, i know it is not about the pearl i usually put into my ear - it is about breaking all connections. he says sorry for being a bit drunk the other night. dont worry, i know. now i know.

i call him after a good soccer match. i know he remembers everything from the night - yet - he says he doesnt. i remember him saying he liked me from the beginning. yes, i clearly remember the answer to my question if that night was an one-time-only thing: no, i want you for always. now he confuses me. doesnt want to explain. talks too fast when asking straight-forward questions. funny. funny i wanted to believe him. good i got enough of sleep last night - this doesnt seem to be the case for now.

now i know.

the speed of light

didnt take long at all. i was still not over him: when partying i did not pay attention to other guys. 

he is falling asleep with me in his arms, and dont feel its wrong. i questioned him and i dont think it is about another girl. it was just an easy way how to say a good-bye to a young girl. hes had enough beer tonight - i can be a bit rude and myself. i know that the expression you deserve someone better is a bull. he would not ask me to come here, and i make the choice anyway.

leaving before they try to tow my car, before my family members start calling what happened, before the sun rises to dry the fog. before he wakes up.

  

happy...

so im standing on a step kissing this boy. hes over a year younger. my first time ever. first time to make out with someone younger than me. he says he will call me. good. i guess

wanted to go out to the city. i ended up just driving around, watching drunks getting pizza. and, recalling all the places we went to. the beginnings of tears suggested it would be better to head back to the suburbs.

so i met with my ex-coworker. im so unusual, so out of order in that local bar, that guys dont even know how to approach me. good. im thankful for the respect. i dont want to entertain any middle-age, half-drunk who thinks sports are the main news of the world. i dont. neither i want to listen about my great shoes, nice tan, or bold eyes. keep it for yourself. coworker tells me they changed the rule about dating at the company.

its late, but i do not feel like going home. i make a turn to go around my ex-boss ex-lover house. having a feeling that i need to, suddenly, know how he is. i know - its pathetic. the suburbs sink in a very black silence. 

... birthday (connect to the title)

september came

demanding his attention, he answers he met someone.

oh shit. well, its bad enough that i have to acknowledge i made a bad choice, he adds another woman to it. there is only one expression: oh shit.

talking to my guy friends. telling them all straight what happened. i need those supporting words how worthy i am. i do. 

i told him i wanted us to be friends. i lied. i dont give a damn about the friendship. i want him to know he missed something. maybe he didnt. but its about creating an illusion that he did. 

having a date tomorrow. 

fall's obedience

summer is gone. just like that. i didnt know it was coming so early. but, i... simply... comply. i dont fight, i dont cry, and beg to stay. i dont think it would matter. so, i comply. accepting the rain, bringing bed sheets all the way to my nose, i comply by building constructive dialogues in my dreams. very constructive, very real. very complying. 

wait, wait, what about that huge pile of sandals i never got a chance to take out? yeah, its your fault - you did not have time for me. your fault. 

but: i comply. i will not fight, cry, or beg to stay. was a short summer love, thats all.

time to leave

we would talk about her on the phone. he did not like the way she dressed, the way she behaved, the way she lived. but she liked him. we were close, so-soo close and i let it disappear. i had to. 

party. i came late, but caught attention of all who were able to recognize still. guys who did not know me gathered by the table and wanted me to play drinking games. all that time i was there, i kept thinking how confident she is about walking into his room, how confident she is about him, how... oh how confident... and...

.. i will never go there ever.

time to leave this place. too much going on.

narocna

chcem: jednu masaz, dva kopceky zmrzliny - citronovu a vanilkovu prosim, vstupenku do cirkusu kde maju levov a baletky alebo aj slona, a ako bonus mi pribalte zimomriavky z dlhych bozkov. podam si inzerat. alebo skusim na trhu - medzi stankami s paradajkami a karfiolom, isto tam bude aj nieco z mojho zoznamu. ked nie, budem moderna: vyklikam si vsetko na ebay-i. amaznone. 

chcem jablkovu sezonu, ale aby este nebolo chladno. chcem zbierat male cervene jablka, ale nebudem ich jest. prinesiem ti zopar do divadla v kabelke, aby si nebol hladny. alebo radsej do toho cirkusu kde maju levov a slonov, mozno aj baletky a kanon, co vsetko vystreli na mesiac. vstupenku zozeniem na ebay-i, uz som si to premyslela. a bude to lepsie nez divadlo, lebo do divadla nemozem brat kabelku s jablkami. divadlo je pre snobov, takych akym si ty.

a chcem ist aj do toho amazonu - preco by som nemohla byt narocna?! chcem mat vsetko dokonale: knihy na policke, bez prachu, vyrovnane postelne prikryvky, rano ranajky, obed na obed, a vecer teplu veceru. chcem mat vsetko zorganizovane, tak mi bez kupit zmrzlinu. s dolnou kopkou citronovou a hornou vanilkovou. a kup aj nejake zimomriavky na moje bozky. potrebujes drobne?

  

a beach day (a bitch day?)

i even surprise myself. suddenly, i find my body on the dance floor realizing how good of a showman i am. my flexibility avoids any dangerous contacts of my partner's hands and finds freedom i need. im in every corner, the rooms is filled with me, everyone notices me. and, i am just enjoying the dance. like it was the last one. for you, baby, for you.

going for sushi, its the only food place around open so late at night, i sober up a bit. my speech is not nice and fluent yet, but i know i can drive. tomorrow is a new day, i need to leave. the guy i am with expects a bit more, but for me its a friendly date - i need to leave now. i have tons of other friendly dates on the waiting list.

screw the waiting list, im burning my butt on the beach today

waiting

broskinova stava mi tecie po brade. po stehnach od kolien kropaje potu, boli ma lavy vajickovod. ak by si chcel chlapca, tak dnes je ten den. 

dokoncujem tu 30stranovu analyzu. myslim na neho cez stlacanie gombikov na telefone, cez ciastocne elektronicku hudbu, cez tie kropaje potu na mojich stehnach.

viem, musim pockat do nedele. som si sama na vine.

mala by som pytat viac. ale nebudem. poviem mu len, ze even if i never regret anything, that doesnt mean i cannot be careful. i dont regret falling in, but i dont think we are at the same page. good luck, sweetie, good luck. because what i do, i do it with all my energy, passion, i put whole my hearth into it. and i want you to do the same. if you cant... oh... then... sorry

nuz co, ked mne staci aj broskynova stava na brade

illusion

they told me i look like young brooke shields. cool. i asked if it was good or bad, but they just kept talking between each other that its because of my eyes. 

so i looked her up and watched some blue lagoon clips. nah, its not my eyes, its my boobs. 

prepracovany

vyzdvihujem si ho z prace. je nedela vecer a on musel este nieco dorobit. za poobedie som bola stastna a nestastna niekolko krat - but to vyzeralo, ze sa stretneme, alebo nie. 

ma vykrcene tricko, boli ho chrbat, a nedockavo vyzera casnika. dotykame sa nohami pod stolom. hovori mi o jeho vikende, o jeho malych neteriach. viem, ze povedal viac, ako by obycajne chcel. zistila som, ze toho nepotrebuje vediet tolko ako ja. zvlastne. 

rano si citim poskrabanu tvar.

nebol oholeny

google friendly

my days are about waking up early with the first thought going to the calculation of when i will go back to sleep again.

back home from work, i enjoy my long breakfast, and the rest of the day i nap, burn my butt on the sun, read paper and summaries.

i miss him. 

when i google his name, the picture pops out. so hes smiling at me with one corner of his lips positioned a bit higher than the other. it makes me miss him even more

stranger

after some time - in this case pretty early - us, women, start analyzing. maybe i do it too much or too little - dunno - but there is a whole bunch of questions i try to answer in that worst moment ever. 

he is, he is not, him that and that, and i am not sure if i like it. if i could put up with it. 

i can take pretty much everything - explaining myself that not everybody is thinking the way i am. but i cannot handle the fact he did not look back when i was leaving. he does not include me in his weekend friendly get-aways: i cannot see he is falling for me. 

i felt like a stranger today. i think the next time he texts me, ill be busy.

bed sheets smell fresh and clean

an old one.

drevene dosky

davno nalakovane

zo studenych okien 

letny vetrik vanie

slapaje v piesku

len tak ta privedu

chces ovoniat cas

mylis sa

nechcem ta oklamat

zamotat motuzy z hodvabu

nechcem ti navraviet

ze sa nic nestane

ked

zostanes

(2005)

dychajme baranky

krajina ubieha za oknom. je to take carovne pomenuvavat oblaky podla tvaru. basnit o trojskych konoch a dvojhlavych drakoch, diskutovat o prasiatkach a divych svinkach. nachvilku navstivit jednoduchy svet. paci sa mi to.

mam cas mysliet na nieco nepodstatne, naplanovat uplne sialene veci. take, co sa netykaju zajtrajska, kariery, rodiny. 

tak kecame o dolezitych skutocnostiach so stvorrocnou a posielame si vzdusne bozky. na otazku preco? odpovedam vzdy uspokojujuco. deti ma miluju. mozno by som jedno aj brala. vravim, dnes sa zaoberam tymi nerealnymi planmi.

dropped confidence

he zips my strapless dress asking if it doesnt hurt to have them so tight. we laugh on stupid things: like if the dress was not too tight, then what? we go to eat, the second time today - means weve spent quite a few hours together, to the small mexican place where they do not really understand us. nobody can know how amazing and easy we feel. 

he asks if i need to live with my parents. i say no. i ask why, but he is just wondering. i feel like there is something behind it. male thinking is sometimes very transparent. 

then he asks if i need to work these crazy hours. explaining the situation, i suddenly feel confident about him. i shouldnt. i wont.

cause it still might hurt.

svato.janska.

zo svatojanskych noci som vzdy mala cudny pocit. smutny. znamenali, ze dni sa kratia. ztmievat sa bude skor, noci bude viac.

teraz? uzivam si pomaly prud vody na nafukovacke mrkajuc na mladuckych plavcikov, opalovanie sa na luke a pohlady osameleho bezca alebo toho, co si uzival rychlu jazdu na koni, necham kolegu pozriet si vystrich na priatelskom stretnuti, kedze v praci takuto moznost nikdy nedostane. a potom, tie najkrajsie veci odlozim na neskor, na cas, ked sa zveceri. 

pobehujem mu po byte. v jeho tricku, kucery mi padaju na plecia, umyvam riad a utieram prach. nechcem sa mu strcit do zivota, vnutit sa milym usmevom, urobit sa nevyhnutnou... len mu chcem umyt kuchynu. vymenime si zopar bozkov, odstrim ho, nech ma necha dokoncit to. usmieva sa. neskor vravi, ze mal uzasny den. verim mu.

do dna sa totiz zmesti menej, ale ja z toho spravim hrstku kvalitnejsich cinnosti.

a noci su o trochu dlhsie.

cap and gown, life and love

the world is spinning around me. literally. my mom is nervous because of me, my dad did not go for a trip because of me, my great girlfriend came to the US because of me, my brother took a weekend off from work for me, my other brother blew gold balloons for me. actually, my graduation and all the cooking, preparing, cleaning. 

hope ill see you guys here tomorrow! im texting the rest of a few who i do not have a contact with on facebook.

he texts back: sorry, i cannot come.

and i wanna text him back: you know what?! f. you! id get vulgar, mad, asking for attention, asking for a bit of something that would look like love. its my day, my spinning, my happy moment, and i want you there, so f. you if you dont wanna come. 

instead i said to him to come to get some food at least. and if not, i understand. good little church girl, right?

just now he got back to me saying he will try to get the work done. 

you know what? forgiven.  

bubbles

very sensitive. 

very soft, weak, delicate. you look at me and i wont look into your eyes. im too bubbly. too easy to break. so ready to be destroyed

im strongly correlated to the tone of his speech. to the feeling coming from his mood. such a strong relationship between the inside of my bubble and him. shame. 

im a bubble. temporary. with a rainbow as a side dish. im just a tiny outside layer. everything inside disappeared.

(will become stronger tomorrow.)

discretion lights

after.

can you see the fireworks? he reacts on the noise. i tilt the window curtain, watch amazing- almost non-real- picture of the city right from his bed. lights end somewhere far in the horizon or somewhere far in the skies. little white boats - finally parked - decorate the dark lake. im thinking of nothing, still under the influence of enormous joy, euphoria, relief...

youre beautiful... sitting there like this, he whispers. i know he loves the girlishness of my expressions, body, face, mind...

and im just thinking now how much it amazes me how spontaneously honest he is. and how much i want it to just stay like this. or repeat indefinitely. 

fallin in...

dressed up nicely. a hot-pink dress, high heels, a trench coat. i nailed the presentation with my jokes (yeah, they love my accent, and they looove when i start acting funny) - somehow i talked about the eu environmental policy for 20 minutes. then went to the econ end-of-the-year celebration (yes, they had free food). texted him if he was busy. wanted to be spontaneous, but i wasnt. we met at six.

you seem... uhm... different.

how?! i got fckin scared. what the heck am i doing wrong?

nervous.

again. like with all guys when i start being interested in them. i would not give a damn about him two weeks ago. i did not care if he calls or not. when he asked if i was waiting for his call... i answered honestly: not really. 

and now...

almost...

... love (connect to the title)

na 23tie

och, je tu chladno, reaguje na studeny vietor. nechavame romantiku pri jazere romantikou pre ostatne pary. citim si otlaky, on nic netusi. je sebavedomy, rozhodnutia robi lahko.

vo vytahu je s nami starsi par. stlacil gombik dvadsattri.

paperie

luce sa lamu na chumacikoch topoloveho paperia. agaty spustaju strapce, pekne biele, silno medove. skryvam sa do listov vinica, potom do kvapiek vody, do bezstarostneho pocitu. vsetko je velmi jemne, krehke, vzacne: od pokozky, cez slova, po sekundove myslienky.

ak by sa mi velmi pacil, uz by som sa s nim davno rozlucila, stokrat by som odolala zavolat, sto dalsich by som uz mala na male urobit tak. zavolal on po dvoch tyzdnoch. desat minut sa mi zdalo privela.

teda, uvidime sa v sobotu

vecerna

vecer. teplo. po dlhom case.

obdivujem davy ludi, pary, muzov v bielych koseliach. babicky s natackami konzultuju s inymi babickami co vencia pudlov. svetla sa odrazali od jazera a ja som si vytvarala kratkodobe spomienky. makke, prijemne. spomienky bez slov. s chvilkovymi tuzbami. tuzbou prave teraz zabludit. stratit sa v ulickach, spomienkovat s perami v usmeve. v tieni jarnych listov co obrania pred uv lucami poulicnych svetiel.

nasla som cestu domov.

napisal aky bol zvysok vikendu. strategicky si to vypocital, pan pravnik.

invitation.

please, come. i hear the echo of his message. i just exchanged a few emails so far with him- mr. dj. a cutie. a few years... okay, maybe over a decade - older. 

need to find a girl to go with me. i noted when talking to him. but i never did. i have no real girlfriends over here. oh well. so i went by myself. a few encouraging words and another few songs sung with the radio made me really believe i was not a shy girl. because it is never bad to listen about beautiful eyelashes and how cuute, how damn cute you are.

walked in. waved on him and felt sooo f.ing stupid that i wanted to leave within a minute, but guys just started talking and asking, and talking... he comes around soon, but im already too busy.

i let the guys take my number. i will decide if i want to see them again tomorrow, when i sober up. when not spoiled by kissing and never-ending street wandering.

he invited me for another party. weekends just about to start.

sorry, no color

im colorless. 

even thou i pump hot red blood through veins. 

no color

even thou my skin has two brownish shades - one on the areas covered by tiny swimsuits, the other exposed to sun.

sorry, no color. not today.

to prove it, i show you my pink tongue; maybe other pink things too.

run out of ink.

youd be asking if my eyes are green or blue with a bit of grey, but id be just smiling. and, loving you.

but not today. sorry.

connection

na pohlad zaujal. stal vo vlaku, biele botasky, biele podkolienky, modre kratke trenky s nepravidelnymi zopranymi pruhmi. siltovka miestneho hokejoveho muzstva, pod nou tmave vlasy, fuziky a vyplestene oci. chvilu bol ticho a potom zacal svoj nepretrzity monolog.

zadusam sa smiechom. silny arabsky prizvuk a jeho prejav, miestami aj v anglictine, znie neuveritelne krasne. svet je este vesely, ked tak nacuvam chichunaniu nad sebarozhovorom. v jeho plynulom rozpravani hladam spojenia medzi jednotlivymi vypocty o zarobkoch restauracii, poistkami, a ludmi. po chvili vsetci traja okolo neho - babka z mexika, mlady poliak, a ja, vybuchujeme smiechom.

konecna.

-he's hilarious! a math major, i'd guess. nadviazujem konverzaciu s mladym.

...

-so whats your name? 

-hm... zabka. you?

-Chris.

I liked him. I mean... Chris. I liked Chris.

 

v dazdi

su take dni, ze medova vona tulipanov nuti kracat trosku pomalsie. prebehujuc cez dazd lupienkov jabloni, ruzovych aj snehovych, tusim, ze by som mala byt stastna. povedali mi, ze som inteligentna a self-motivated. najlepsie interview ake mali za posledne dva-tri roky - to povedali sefke. predieram sa cez husty dazd lupienkov, kyvam rozkvitnutym hruskam z vlaku a citim sa ako v dazdi.

mexican star

night out with a boy. a movie, funny one. eating at portillos shortly before they close. having good time, laughing, making jokes of ordinary stuff.

you want me to drop you off?

unless you really want, i answer.

i dont care, you want me?

nah, its right here, but thanks.

we hug. i walk towards my house. a few steps ahead, a young rapper keeps turning my way. didnt noticed it till he asked: are you following me?

? first, i thought he was joking. yeah, i giggled. no, he was serious, for real! i added: if  you go to my house.

oooh, big sight. i thought you were with those cops!

shut, did my sapphire jacked reminded anything of police? secret agent? CIA? man in black, but in a costume consisting of a white shirt, jeans, and a green jacket?

maybe he just wanted to think of himself as of a star.

macicka

bolo devat a prsalo. kvapky mi brnkali do nosa, taxiky mliazdili mlaky, zelene svetla striedali cervenu v pravidelnych intervaloch. neonky orandzovili tmu a ja som chcela zamavat na niektore z tych zltych aut, nasadnut a povedat: odvez ma niekde, odvez ma niekde do pekla. za akukolvek cenu!

ale som nie, len som mliazdila mlaky mojimi sestkami topankami a nechavala si prsat na spicku nosa a krivit vlasy do tucnych kucier. tie padajuce kvapy sa trochu nahynali od vetra, az to vyzeralo, ze Hollywoodski scenaristi robili kulisu strasne umelo padajuceho dazda v strasne obrovskom velkomeste. Uz len pockat kym zpoza rohu vybehnu filmovo natrenovane krysy a filmovo zahvizdaju.

neonky orandzuju mesto a zvodne odhaluju niektore jeho kontury. moj vystrich bol dnes prihlboky, priznavam.

Magnolia days

i baked muffins. for him. like: this time, finally, when he opens the door, i will have something in my hand.

it usually hurts me a lot. boooom, right there, hurting, forcing my eyes watering. bitches, they always betray. 

i will wake up in the morning, and i know there will be another day and i will hope for another sunday. i guess it is easier like this. he never takes hope. id like it harder, thou. id like to fight with real love.

this year, magnolia days are over. 

countdown

glasses, apples, muffins and sunday

cleaning up the kitchen on my bed table. how can a girl have such a mess?! im talking to myself. disgusting, disgusting! laughing on my own conversation. i love those little conversations.

last few days, ive been referring to myself as her. so, for example: daddy, zabka is hungry, you should make her something to eat. zabka is feeling sleepy, she'd better go to the bed.

i ended up doing the same thing at work. they couldnt stop laughing. i enjoy such moments. they make you smile for the rest of the day.

so im cleaning up about ten water glasses from my bed table, referring to myself as a girl and using horrible gender assumptions. 

anybody interested in those few pieces of apple i have left from breakfast? id pack it together with cinnamon-apple muffins i baked earlier today. let me know - if im not answering, im probably in the shower (after that two hours table-tennis match).

ive gotta get ready. its sunday, you know... many things happen on sundays :)

sweet little lier

every saturday morning i feel the same way: a rich girl. tons of time. this day is to catch up whatever i have planned for too long. with every hour, i realize it is just another day. and pennies disappear from my pockets. but, every saturday morning, i feel very rich.

until i hear about girls younger than me getting married, and my single long-time-no-see girlfriends ask if i date someone. 

im twenty two,  i wanna yell. girls, why do you make such a big deal of it?! girls, dont get married yet, dont have kids pleazz...

yes, every saturday morning i feel i have my life in front of me and the best things to come. slowly, i keep realizing im such a good liar. 

which one now?

so i went to party. was late when i got there. mishelle, smoking outside, says: a billion people asked where you are?! 

the apartment was crowded. people i had never seen before, crazy outfits, young school girls forcing you think whether they have been born before i finished at least the first level of grammar school. i whispered excuse me to tons of mostly drunks scanning me from head to toe. ch. had a boobs-showing girl on his knee. as soon as he saw me he jumped up and started conversation.

a man, i was thinking.

melissa noticed me in her drunk oppression: started kissing my face. i thought for a second that she tried to kiss me closer and closer to my lips, but i just kept hugging her instead and taking the cocktail slowly from her hands. it turned out to be almost-an-hour persuasion about dropping her off, but she ended up falling asleep in one of the rooms, and i was called a designated driver for driving her girlfriend home. 

dannys room was full of gray fog, and i was sure i would get high only by entering it. so i didnt. 

ch. left and he wanted me to go outside with him, but i didnt feel like doing it. and, it was cold. so i told him ill talk to him another time. then a guy tried to make out with me just like that; whohooo, i yelled while leaning backward. im not drunk, young man.

taking shots with I.: he thinks drinking from a bottle is cool, and i dont mind - saving costs, energy, and nature. recession, you know..

augustovy asked if im a lesbian. we had been kissing like twice before, so he knew the answer. no, im not. why? - cause youre unbelievably sexy! - really? i asked with that boring voice showing i dont really trust what he says, and i dont care anyway. i did thou. thats what i wanted to hear.

not too long ago, they would guess i looked five years younger than i actually was. now, making "big" decisions and feeling how much respect others have for me, the popular thought changed. the current dilemma is: you look soooo innocent. or, are you a lesbian? 

:) 

i seriously thought relationships would be a piece of cake for me

snowing. oh gosh - people "statussing" on facebook. 

ch. called. i didnt answer. we got too close yesterday on the party. make me black, make me black, felix, a bold-headed mexican yelled for fun, when they were taking shots of hennessy together. didnt answer cause dont wanna hurt him; as always...

zajo texted. where you go to school? and then, is it snowing by you?

answered honestly: if he noticed that it is hard for us to talk. it has never happened to me with anybody!

he said sorry.

i said he had nothing to be sorry for. it would just make it easier for us.

mistake. mistake!

he doesnt need to talk, doesnt need to know, he doesnt need to make it easier. 

he got offended. 

oh well, at least i can finish my reading bout state building.

i want

i am tired of it. guys walking by and saying hello, trying to start conversation, or just acting stupidly smart. starting with that one in his forties, who keeps three jobs. big belly, curly hair and mustache (not curly), and a stupid attitude. anyway, he asks me what im doing on saturday. (hell, not spending it with you - im thinking). girl does a little chit-chatting  from time to time and waves saying hello and he wants to go out with me?! what the..

another one started conversation: so how long you have been working here? ah, four years, i said. only? he responded. well, im not that ooold, i raised my eyebrows. i excused myself for having a lot of work. i know he just ment he had been working there forever, but... oh, come ooon. 

polish guy, mechanic. drives by five times per three hours, smiles like a star, and always asks in polish how i am. it is obvious im terribly bad in speaking polish, yet, he always starts like that. besides, what could possibly change from 5 to 615 that he asks the same sh*t.

girlfriends call me heartbreaker. no, i say. if you give someone a chance, then you might be called like that. we are leaving the 24-hour breakfast place and within 10 minutes im desperately trying to get them leave while they are having so much fun because that guy in white is trying to claim i broke his hearth. see, we told you you are a heartbreaker a few hours ago.

im just not interested. all i want are those who i cannot have. isnt it sick?!

just drafting

drafting my thoughts. nothings final yet. a boy opening the door for a girl (i can see now from my window) is not the final move of today. neither the killing me softly from pandora. a promise i will start working out tomorrow will not be fulfilled. im just drafting my thoughts.

new energy, new underwear, new spring. not final. next year, there will be another spring, another desire to wear pretty things under, another amount of sun giving the same energy. thats whats supposably called hope. 

i dont hope thou. im the one who makes the move. who brings the change.

most of the time.

 

my resume

so this is our conversation:
whats happening after you graduate?

well, im in the process of getting promoted, but they announced a freeze in expansion of management  already in january, so doubt it.
you are gonna miss home when you go to urugway, wont you?

if i do, ill announce hiring. you can send me your resume.

heh... only if you promise you give me great references.

sure i will

"the best blow job ever, great for a position of a secretary" i finished easy, like it was normal and we were lying next to each other.

you dummy :) he laughed, i saw him smiling in my mind. well, i have a secured job in urugway, at least.

milujme nedele

co sa tak usmievas? vyrusi ma z myslienok.
neusmievam! zarazim sa a poviem, ze som v praci mala konecne a smooth day. nemyslela som na pracu.
obklopena prazdnymi flasami z mineralky, dzusu, kelimku od kavy, najnovsim foreign affairs... (bordelom)... sa hram s grafmi a slovickami, skladam ich do celku, ktory som mala mat hotovy na dvanastu. nuz..
nuz, je pondelok a v pondelky mam tendenciu nerobit si tazku hlavu z nicoho. salamovat. gombickovat svet.

pondelok je totiz po nedelnom veceri. po veceri, z ktoreho zacinam modelovat prijemnu pravidelnost tajnych stretnuti.

task for my angels

so i went to sleep early. dont know why, just had that feeling it was the best thing to do. to dream and to listen to the rain being stopped by the roof. again and again. and i would wake up in that dream and i'd be on a big boat. it was our house. sailing towards sky-blue horizon. sky-blue horizon would be everywhere. everywhere where your eye decides to look. id be sailing there and everything else would be under enormous amounts of rain. 

i would miss people. miss my mom, miss my exboss, and maybe id be missing hope. and an angel. i have a plenty of them in our house thou. ill ask them to protect you, people. id miss you a lot if the rain was suddenly to take you.

vysielame pocasie

tim v kratkych rukavoch vykukaju zimomriavky. dievcata sa obliekli do pekne obrysovych siat, niektore su tmavomodre, ine maju kvietky, ukazu tvary, zenske krivky. skombinovane topanky s bluzkami vravia, ze ludia nasli niekde v hlbke energiu.

v zakulisi su prve otlaky z topanok. v zakulisi su ludia, co stale nosia dlhy pepitovy kabat, lebo si na googli nepozreli vcera pocasie. aj blede tvare z dlhej zimy, pripravene na prve teplejsie slnko.

citim si trpkost na podnebi. zvieram prazdny papierovy poharik od kavy. zobrakovi hadzem mince. strgnu. citam o vojne. nasla som kusok energie niekde v hlbke, mam velmi blede lica.

v noci, to bol iny pribeh. neskutocne prsalo, cez pootvorene okno uspavajuco, pravidelne vrncali auta. 

dnes, to je iny pribeh. linie kvapiek trochu sikmo od rovneho vytvaraju pracovne pozadie. ked nepisem, pozeram na mihajuce sa auta v pozadi pracovneho pozadia. vybuchla mi skrina a mne sa  nechce zavesit farebne saty naspat. nech len svietia do tmy.

be loved?

who wants to be a co-chair?
i do... i raised my hand and all pairs of eyes looked at that little something in the middle of the room.
perfect opportunity, perfect opportunity! the hr representative (my almost-friend) whispers more for herself than for me. im excited, but... im more excited about wearing my favorite purple jacket with puffy arms. im more excited its friday, and next week is the tenth - the last - in school. im more about thinking he has another girl. saw pictures on facebook. oh shit, kept thinking. ohshitohshit. well, at least shes really not pretty. shes in love thou - i can say. him? doubt it... kept thinking.

let him be... i kept thinking

ohshitohshitohshit

i raised my hand - yes, i will be the safety co-chair. be sucessful at least somewhere.

at work, they love me there. they really do.

busy and happy

snivalo sa mi o tmavoruzovych pivoniach. natrhala som si ich popri ceste. bolo teplo a nad asfaltkou sa nadvihoval rozhoruceny vzduch. este si pamatam ze sa mi to snivalo na stopatnastej, na polceste k nemu.

len teraz som zistila, aky je vysoky. na spickach mi to prislo trosku smiesne, ze sa prvy krat bozkavame postojacky. 

v piatok v noci mi volal danny. vraj nejaka akcia, niekoho narodeniny, ci idem. hadzali sme zlate mince do automatov cakajuc, ze nam z nich vybehne osem papierikov za kazdu padnutu mincu. vybrala som si plysoveho medveda s cervenym salom. moj jediny plysovy medved ever. nemam take uchylky - vlastnit stuffed animals. radsej mam knihy basni.

vyhrala som nad willom v ping-pongu. 2-0. neznasal to dobre, aj preto prehral. vobec som sa ho nesnazila dostat na lopatky psychickym tlakom, ani trosku. chcem mu nadvihnut sebavedomie aspon opakovanim faktu, ze ping-pong som mastila s chalanmi ked som mala desat. nepomaha. on nerad prehrava.

veziem ich domov. viem, ze som ich nadchla vodickymi schopnostami. trochu sa bali nastupit mi do auta, ale zvladam to s prehladom, co ich upokojuje. tych par fotiek zverejnim na facebook a zacnem konecne pisat cast prace o financial bail-outs.

fun stuff, fun stuff.

sometimes the sky is blue. or all the time. idk

ive begun the week with soar legs, only three and a half hours of sleep, a bunch of unfinished homework. and a smile on my face. how was you weekend? people ask. was good, i answer thinking it was better than good, but nobody can know.

-you wanna help me with that paper or why are you asking if im having fun?! enjoy your shower! im trying to text him funny stuff, so he can start answering with more than one or two words.

-well, you know where to find me, if you need help. he gets back to me knowing he cant help me at all. not that he doesnt have an idea bout constructivism in International Relations theory!

-i know - in a shower! 

-so i guess ill see you over here in a bit .

how easy it was. after about 30 messages where we had nothing to say to each other, he says hes waiting for me in a single one.

-within an hour i was taking a shower listening to his boyish ideas. he wanted me to feel good. and i was more open than ever. i told him i was still not comfortable. sorry, no 69. 

-we have a weird friendship, he said.

-yeah.. hey, listen, if they found out, id quit. i just dont think its right to fire the one with more years and a better position. he looked at me and asked: but youre not gonna tell? 

-no, nobody knows.

i lied a bit. you do.

kniznicne slova

bludim ulickami oblozenymi knihami. prstom tukam na kazdy v umelokozi viazany journal. pripada mi smiesne to kostolne ticho. bezslovne. tak sa mi velmi chce rozpravat a lahcit mysel. vymyslat nove slova, ktore budu zniet uplne srandovne a ktore este nikto nikdy predomnou nepouzil. take jednoduche slova. bezslovne, samozrejme. ved ako inak - v kniznici?! dovolene je len zakaslat si, kychnut, trosku sustiat vetrovkou, a hovorit nehlucne slova. do umelokoznych hrubiznych zvazkov economist z osemdesiateho tretieho. z osemdesiateho stvrteho. piateho.

napriklad domedovane prsty. hovorim domedovane prsty kniznicnymi slovami a on by vedel, co to znamena. myslel by si: hovori domedovane prsty a vedel by to podla toho, ze sa mi lepia o zvazky starodavnych casopisov na druhom poschodi bludiskovej kniznice.

usmievala som sa, len tak - nad myslienkami. tak ako sa usmievaju blazni. krivim usta nad hocicim. vcera mi povedal ten pan opilec s dvoma kamosmi a cervenou tvarou a zenou, ktora hladkala kolena dvom z nich naraz, zapijala energy drink vodkou z plastovej flase. povedal mi, ze mam najkrajsie oci. a potom sa spytal, ci z ich hlucnej skupinky ide strach. trosku, vravim. ale ja som sa nebala. ja som mala len najkrajsie oci.

usmievam sa ako blazon. o par elektrickovych miest dalej sa usmieva iny blazon, on sa smeje zo mna. a smejeme sa vlastne sami zo seba. uhybam ocami a stale sa smejem. a citim sa ako keby som zasa mala sest a niekomu sa zapacilo moje bezprostredne spravanie. sklonim sa k brooksovej siedmej kapitole o current security implications a ked nabuduce zdvihnem hlavu, uz tam nik nesedi. odisiel. nerozlucil sa. ved nemal preco.

a ja mam chut rozpravat. vela a vela a vela. o tych ludoch, ktori sa bezprostredne usmiali a povedat im, ze dakujem. chcem ti povedat o tom, ako som kohosi dnes chytila za ruku aby jej vyschli slzy v cervenanych ociach. chcem rozpravat, sepkat, o hrubiznych zurnaloch, o tvojich ambicioznych ociach a mojich cervenych licach a veciach, co ma len tak prinutia usmievat sa.

lebo sa bojim, ze ked o tom nebudes vediet ty, tak sa to vobec nestalo.

mala oslava konca

oteplilo sa. prekvapujuce. ludia si vravia, ze von je krasne, ked vychadzam z prace. neviem, rano bola tma. ovanie ma prijemny vanok, oslepi slnko. bezci preskakuju posnezne mlaky, zeny s mastnymi vlasmi tlacia kociky. babky sa opieraju o bakulky a muzi vydychuju dym na balkonoch. zobrakov akosi pribudlo. 

co ides na pohreb? opyta sa ma rodic.

este nie. odpovedam na pre-mna-humornu otazku.

coo? 

nie, komu by som isla na pohreb, do skoly idem! 

zvlastne - ako niekomu evokuju cierne pancuchace pohreb. mne sa zdali akurat na privitanie jari, ktora zajtra odide.

hey, potential dads!

having such days... dreaming about filling the shelf with cookbooks and actually bake.  what do all feminists want? isnt it amazing to have that choice? so i browse through books full of colorful pictures of smelly dishes in the store and  dream about such days to come. 

yes, im having such days... cannot stop looking at my childhood pictures. mothering such a doll like i was, uhhh... talking to her smart, and she'd look adorable. daddy's girl. or a boy - dont know yet. 

anyway, on my way to cashiers caring a heavy silverware set and two books - one with recipes for 100 muffins, the other 100 cookies - i found a cute jacket. judging that it fit me perfectly, well, all small jackets do, i saw a boy watching my habit of trying the clothes on in the middle of the store. first i thought it was normal - i love watching people too! he looked at me another time when i was putting the jacket back on the racks, and then before he got into his car.

his girlfriend had a nasty orange-skin type of ass.

mimo zapadu

poskakovala som si cez prechod. pondelok takmer prezity. blondinka trubila na auto pred sebou, otvarala usta, gestikulovala a ja som si pomyslela, ze ju musia boliet bubienky, a to len preto, ze sa ten jej pondelok este neskoncil. slubila som si caramel macchiato za odvahu. odvahu usmievat sa. mam rada caramel macchiato z kaviarne v rohu potravin. mliecna pena na nom chuti neopakovatelne rovnako.

okamihy plynuli. rychlo. tak rychlo ako tento a ten buduci. hladela som na seba do vykladovych skrin pomedzi srdieckove bonboniery. nizky copik mi poskakoval v tom rytme co malo dievca z vykladovych skiel. chcela som sadnut na vlak iduci mestom, okolo pozicovne svadobnych siat, cez rieku, v tieni budov a potom v odrazenej ziari mrakodrapov. 

plany nie vzdy vyjdu a tak som nastupila na podzemne metro a zacitala sa do nejakej feministickej knihy. nie som zastancom feministickych knih. 

cestou domov sa mi koncil pondelok, slnko sa trochu seklo a nepadalo do zapadu. dvojfarbilo oblaky do ruzova a modra, presne ako na tych romantickych obrazoch. otvorenymi ustami som hladela na tmavnucu cyklamenovu - po tri a pol roku vecerov stravenych v praci pride zapad slnka taky carovny.

pani sa ma pyta, ci si nechcem sadnut. nie, vravim jej, sadnite si vy (aj ked tu sa nevyka, ze je to zvlastne, vsak), tak jej vravim, ze predsa ja som cely den sedela v skole. blbost, to nam vraveli na zakladke stare babky vyhanajuc nas z poctivo obsadenych sedadiel. vskutocnosti som vstala o tretej rano a v kabelke nosim patkilove knihy. 

slnko sa netrafilo do zapadu, ale pondelok sa aj tak skoncil. take ocarujuce.

a shoe lover

feels like nothing has changed :) pretty cool, isnt it?

polcasova kriza

vietor ma prefukaval do poslednej nitky. vravi sa to o dazdi, ale mna tak prefukal vietor. stala som pod velkou ziarovkou na nadrazi a myslela na to, ze nejak tak ziju kurcata na vykrm. pod velkymi teplymi ziarovkami. 

tuzim po lete, po jemnych satockach pod ktorymi ostanem naha. aj po tom, aby to ktosi vedel. kracali by sme si po starej asfaltke, pod kosatymi bukmi a brestami z ktorych vykukavaju jemnulinko zelene listky. vedel by, ze sa moze citit bezpecne. a ja by som citila, ze viem, ze... 

este to niekolko zim a jari potrva.

otacam hlavu kym vo vzduchu poletuju paperove kusky mrazu. stale myslim na tie vykrmove kurcata. im tak zima urcite nie je. 

zachranila ma elektricka. odmotam sal, ochladia ma ludske tvare.

dangerous.

zatiahla som si bielu perinu po bradu. vcera som ju vyprala, este imaginarne vonala. sklbila som sa, potiahla kolena blizsie k telu. zavraty tepla a na to triaska, neutichajuca bolest vo vnutri. dnesok sa neskonci, neviem si predstavit, ze by skoncil... 

vsetky ceruzky mam v niektorych knihach. ani jedna v peracniku. nanervy - ta predstava kolko knih musim docitat za sedem tyzdnov. dnes som citala tu o state death. pisala ju zena. zvacsa ma to nezaujima, kto napise co, ved si predstavte, aby ma to vsetko zaujimalo. potom by som vedela vsetky priezviska takych ludi ako patrik - ten vraj chce vydat knihu a aj by mu ju vydali, len je kriza. tak mi povedal. ako moze ktosi vydat knihu, ak nema ani kusticok mozgu. ako? tak pisala ju zena, lebo prisamvacku som chcela vediet kto by mohol napisat v zozname vsetkych "mrtvych" statoch, ze czechoslovakia mala v 38 violent state death a neskorsich kapitolach pisat len o non-violent z 92. vsetkych nas biednych studentov chce nacisto domadarit?

ale vravim, bolo mi zle. aj som kolegovi pisala, ze dnes sa najest nejdeme. povedal, ze fajn. dobry chalan. nevnucuje sa. tak to mam rada. teda nie, nemam.

vo stvrtok sme podpisovali kazdorocne hr papierovacky. posledny bol o romantic, sexual, or other relationship at the workplace. vyhodia toho na vyssej pozicii. ak obaja su na rovnakom leveli, ide ten s vacsim poctom rokov. uz viem, preco sa bal. 

zababusim sa do perin. sa v nich citim velmi bezpecne. kym mi rano nezazvoni budik a praca ma zacne zasa ohrozovat.

waw

hes rude. how can he call me slniecko again? why does he do it?

yesterday i went to fulfill my almost-citizen obligation: sunday shopping. stopping for a second by baby clothing and shouting: oh, mami, look how cute! have another babygirl again! and my mom, as usual, responds: well, its your turn. 

no, its not. walking by the teenage washroom supplies, my little depression started. whats the point of going through all this... from pregnancy sickness, through explaining multiplying in the second grade, to troubles with your teenager. and then worrying they wont kill themselves in their new car. i had an odd day at work, was late for school, and on the top of it i lost the battle against the cold. again.

and now he tells me - already at work at 430 in the morning, getting there straight from the bar - to send him a kiss. breakfast to bed. to get closer to him. 

he is really rude. he messed up whole depression thing. 

a summary

staying home over the weekend. have to catch up my sleep deficit from changing to an early shift (had to change it cause too many guys wanted to go out with me, too many had my number). and heal. primarily running nose from that lovely sunday skiing with a boy from work, but maybe not only that.

so how many is it currently? really five? yeah... platonic. whether their platonic love towards me, or, worse, me platonically loving someone. unreal. all of them.

my ex. a big love. he was back home; i just got here. i spend all my free time chatting. smart, sweet, and not vulgar. the first picture he sent me.. i remember his big lips and childish face. didnt like him first, but then i realized he was HOT. like... hot. saw him in real on the train station that january, spent three days in bed. we still kept in touch for another two years and something. big love. for him lasted about a half year. me? i guess still with a status 'hoping' (since we broke up last april). or maybe not. im a woman - im not sure. 

the boss. ex boss. helped to heal the big love. i liked him since he got moved to my area. slept with him first time i went to his house after like two months of texting and emails. kinda cold between us. maybe my female need for protection or whatever sh*t attracts me to him, but deep inside i know i wouldnt want him to be mine in the future. i just feel i want to be the one who WINS his hearth. yeah... i guess he wouldnt be that amazing if i did.

short, brown eyes, handsome, bold. no ambitions. when we met, he started talking about being an architect, then a cop, but all his plans would need HIM to realize IT. for right now, he is fine with a part time job. i know he would never cheat on me, not even with that little polish bitch whos so jealous about me even thou he keeps telling her theres nothing between us. yes, another thing, its a secret. i would get fired for going out with my employee (and my exboss going out with me), so only a few people know. but what there really is - thats a secret for both of us. so i dont forget about it: i see him like once in two-three months. maybe not even that. fortunately. 

my secret admirer. girls made fun of me how in love he is. he started going to school (supposably because of me). i told girls there is no chemistry. there is not! and then i told him i didnt wanna hurt him. he said i wouldnt, and wanted me to try. i dont wanna try. i just know...

augustovy. thats the month we kissed. blond hair, goofy laugh, teacher-to-be. i fell in love with him when i started working there, but then i 'met' 'my ex'. he does seem to like me, but doesnt do much to prove it. i guess hes too busy. oh well. 

 

(and a few others, some of them ready to propose, others just trying to get closer to me, even thou... one can never know).

yes, five current ones. non-real. i just dont feel to look for someone who it would be perfect with, cause then it would make things harder. i wanna go work to china, wanna go to a grad school to get a phd then, work for a strategic or advisory agency, travel to help whole countries of people! how could that work? 

on the top of that,  when i meet a guy i know that this is/is not what im looking for. havent met anyone since i started chatting with one boy who was in love with me for six months. maybe not even that.

i dont know where my desire to have lots of babies fits. nowhere for right now. no time for love. i wouldnt mind to make it thou! (important notice: this is written on Jan 17, 2009 at 4:37 PM. another month, another day, another minute it can change rapidly. yes, you ARE right - i AM truly, with all my heart, and being proud of and aware of it, a WOMAN).

zabka

imagine&dream

i got pulled over. a new car, going too smooth. i didnt even realize i drove 50 (yes, thats what he said) where 25 is. well... i knew i had to come up with some strategy. i am a female - it will work. as soon as he approached, i smiled. he smiled back - a confused smile. asked for a driver license - never have it on me, its always in my other purse. so i gave him my work id, he asked a few questions and let me go with a mini-warning. cool, i told myself, it wasnt so bad for the first time being pulled over.

i had to work on the new years eve. sucks, but they pay double and its just another day, right? all guys that are trying to go out with me, wished a happy new year through text messages. even my ex-boss - the one who always does the first step (im somehow, according to a non-written rule, excluded from starting first. that annoys me!) so he texted me. 

by the ex-boss' number in my phone, i wrote dont answer, he doesnt deserve it. i was able to do so only till today the noon. cause i really had a bad temptation to see him tonight. we almost met and everything would be as always, and i would be sad afterwords, but they called him from work. had a sympathetic feeling for a sec: he doesnt call me often 'cause they have him work a lot. i know, its bullsh*t. 

yesterday, at the beginning, i caught his attention for a millisecond. yes, that amazing men. he had another girl - every party a different one. i know the only way how i can be interesting to him is to ignore him. so i did. later that night, he stopped me when going around with appetizers. he looked into my eyes, purposely for a second longer. i smiled ironically, fixed his tie, and turn my back to him. didnt look at me anymore. ill see him at another party with another girl. and what.

so im writing this cause i really wanted to see the ex-boss. 2009, can you imagine? i thought i would die as a virgin in 2000 according to all those scary forecasts of my then-friends. and im still alive - plus not a virgin anymore. actually, its been what... 6 years (and three days) since im not... funny story - it happened behind the church! once i have a minute, i will write about it for you. not today. today i wanted to make love to someone who im crazy about and who is not about me. on the wall, i hanged two pictures. one says imagine. the other one dream. doing both of them.