busy and happy

snivalo sa mi o tmavoruzovych pivoniach. natrhala som si ich popri ceste. bolo teplo a nad asfaltkou sa nadvihoval rozhoruceny vzduch. este si pamatam ze sa mi to snivalo na stopatnastej, na polceste k nemu.

len teraz som zistila, aky je vysoky. na spickach mi to prislo trosku smiesne, ze sa prvy krat bozkavame postojacky. 

v piatok v noci mi volal danny. vraj nejaka akcia, niekoho narodeniny, ci idem. hadzali sme zlate mince do automatov cakajuc, ze nam z nich vybehne osem papierikov za kazdu padnutu mincu. vybrala som si plysoveho medveda s cervenym salom. moj jediny plysovy medved ever. nemam take uchylky - vlastnit stuffed animals. radsej mam knihy basni.

vyhrala som nad willom v ping-pongu. 2-0. neznasal to dobre, aj preto prehral. vobec som sa ho nesnazila dostat na lopatky psychickym tlakom, ani trosku. chcem mu nadvihnut sebavedomie aspon opakovanim faktu, ze ping-pong som mastila s chalanmi ked som mala desat. nepomaha. on nerad prehrava.

veziem ich domov. viem, ze som ich nadchla vodickymi schopnostami. trochu sa bali nastupit mi do auta, ale zvladam to s prehladom, co ich upokojuje. tych par fotiek zverejnim na facebook a zacnem konecne pisat cast prace o financial bail-outs.

fun stuff, fun stuff.

sometimes the sky is blue. or all the time. idk

ive begun the week with soar legs, only three and a half hours of sleep, a bunch of unfinished homework. and a smile on my face. how was you weekend? people ask. was good, i answer thinking it was better than good, but nobody can know.

-you wanna help me with that paper or why are you asking if im having fun?! enjoy your shower! im trying to text him funny stuff, so he can start answering with more than one or two words.

-well, you know where to find me, if you need help. he gets back to me knowing he cant help me at all. not that he doesnt have an idea bout constructivism in International Relations theory!

-i know - in a shower! 

-so i guess ill see you over here in a bit .

how easy it was. after about 30 messages where we had nothing to say to each other, he says hes waiting for me in a single one.

-within an hour i was taking a shower listening to his boyish ideas. he wanted me to feel good. and i was more open than ever. i told him i was still not comfortable. sorry, no 69. 

-we have a weird friendship, he said.

-yeah.. hey, listen, if they found out, id quit. i just dont think its right to fire the one with more years and a better position. he looked at me and asked: but youre not gonna tell? 

-no, nobody knows.

i lied a bit. you do.

kniznicne slova

bludim ulickami oblozenymi knihami. prstom tukam na kazdy v umelokozi viazany journal. pripada mi smiesne to kostolne ticho. bezslovne. tak sa mi velmi chce rozpravat a lahcit mysel. vymyslat nove slova, ktore budu zniet uplne srandovne a ktore este nikto nikdy predomnou nepouzil. take jednoduche slova. bezslovne, samozrejme. ved ako inak - v kniznici?! dovolene je len zakaslat si, kychnut, trosku sustiat vetrovkou, a hovorit nehlucne slova. do umelokoznych hrubiznych zvazkov economist z osemdesiateho tretieho. z osemdesiateho stvrteho. piateho.

napriklad domedovane prsty. hovorim domedovane prsty kniznicnymi slovami a on by vedel, co to znamena. myslel by si: hovori domedovane prsty a vedel by to podla toho, ze sa mi lepia o zvazky starodavnych casopisov na druhom poschodi bludiskovej kniznice.

usmievala som sa, len tak - nad myslienkami. tak ako sa usmievaju blazni. krivim usta nad hocicim. vcera mi povedal ten pan opilec s dvoma kamosmi a cervenou tvarou a zenou, ktora hladkala kolena dvom z nich naraz, zapijala energy drink vodkou z plastovej flase. povedal mi, ze mam najkrajsie oci. a potom sa spytal, ci z ich hlucnej skupinky ide strach. trosku, vravim. ale ja som sa nebala. ja som mala len najkrajsie oci.

usmievam sa ako blazon. o par elektrickovych miest dalej sa usmieva iny blazon, on sa smeje zo mna. a smejeme sa vlastne sami zo seba. uhybam ocami a stale sa smejem. a citim sa ako keby som zasa mala sest a niekomu sa zapacilo moje bezprostredne spravanie. sklonim sa k brooksovej siedmej kapitole o current security implications a ked nabuduce zdvihnem hlavu, uz tam nik nesedi. odisiel. nerozlucil sa. ved nemal preco.

a ja mam chut rozpravat. vela a vela a vela. o tych ludoch, ktori sa bezprostredne usmiali a povedat im, ze dakujem. chcem ti povedat o tom, ako som kohosi dnes chytila za ruku aby jej vyschli slzy v cervenanych ociach. chcem rozpravat, sepkat, o hrubiznych zurnaloch, o tvojich ambicioznych ociach a mojich cervenych licach a veciach, co ma len tak prinutia usmievat sa.

lebo sa bojim, ze ked o tom nebudes vediet ty, tak sa to vobec nestalo.

mala oslava konca

oteplilo sa. prekvapujuce. ludia si vravia, ze von je krasne, ked vychadzam z prace. neviem, rano bola tma. ovanie ma prijemny vanok, oslepi slnko. bezci preskakuju posnezne mlaky, zeny s mastnymi vlasmi tlacia kociky. babky sa opieraju o bakulky a muzi vydychuju dym na balkonoch. zobrakov akosi pribudlo. 

co ides na pohreb? opyta sa ma rodic.

este nie. odpovedam na pre-mna-humornu otazku.

coo? 

nie, komu by som isla na pohreb, do skoly idem! 

zvlastne - ako niekomu evokuju cierne pancuchace pohreb. mne sa zdali akurat na privitanie jari, ktora zajtra odide.

hey, potential dads!

having such days... dreaming about filling the shelf with cookbooks and actually bake.  what do all feminists want? isnt it amazing to have that choice? so i browse through books full of colorful pictures of smelly dishes in the store and  dream about such days to come. 

yes, im having such days... cannot stop looking at my childhood pictures. mothering such a doll like i was, uhhh... talking to her smart, and she'd look adorable. daddy's girl. or a boy - dont know yet. 

anyway, on my way to cashiers caring a heavy silverware set and two books - one with recipes for 100 muffins, the other 100 cookies - i found a cute jacket. judging that it fit me perfectly, well, all small jackets do, i saw a boy watching my habit of trying the clothes on in the middle of the store. first i thought it was normal - i love watching people too! he looked at me another time when i was putting the jacket back on the racks, and then before he got into his car.

his girlfriend had a nasty orange-skin type of ass.

mimo zapadu

poskakovala som si cez prechod. pondelok takmer prezity. blondinka trubila na auto pred sebou, otvarala usta, gestikulovala a ja som si pomyslela, ze ju musia boliet bubienky, a to len preto, ze sa ten jej pondelok este neskoncil. slubila som si caramel macchiato za odvahu. odvahu usmievat sa. mam rada caramel macchiato z kaviarne v rohu potravin. mliecna pena na nom chuti neopakovatelne rovnako.

okamihy plynuli. rychlo. tak rychlo ako tento a ten buduci. hladela som na seba do vykladovych skrin pomedzi srdieckove bonboniery. nizky copik mi poskakoval v tom rytme co malo dievca z vykladovych skiel. chcela som sadnut na vlak iduci mestom, okolo pozicovne svadobnych siat, cez rieku, v tieni budov a potom v odrazenej ziari mrakodrapov. 

plany nie vzdy vyjdu a tak som nastupila na podzemne metro a zacitala sa do nejakej feministickej knihy. nie som zastancom feministickych knih. 

cestou domov sa mi koncil pondelok, slnko sa trochu seklo a nepadalo do zapadu. dvojfarbilo oblaky do ruzova a modra, presne ako na tych romantickych obrazoch. otvorenymi ustami som hladela na tmavnucu cyklamenovu - po tri a pol roku vecerov stravenych v praci pride zapad slnka taky carovny.

pani sa ma pyta, ci si nechcem sadnut. nie, vravim jej, sadnite si vy (aj ked tu sa nevyka, ze je to zvlastne, vsak), tak jej vravim, ze predsa ja som cely den sedela v skole. blbost, to nam vraveli na zakladke stare babky vyhanajuc nas z poctivo obsadenych sedadiel. vskutocnosti som vstala o tretej rano a v kabelke nosim patkilove knihy. 

slnko sa netrafilo do zapadu, ale pondelok sa aj tak skoncil. take ocarujuce.

a shoe lover

feels like nothing has changed :) pretty cool, isnt it?