no answers

So, a walk by the canal? I ask her, after hours spent studying, and she says yes, she wants. I ask this knowing it will bring tons of memories. I suddenly feel heartbroken. Later, we say good night, take different streets, and I decide to be stupid again. He’s home, I smile, seeing the light coming out of the front windows.

I turn around, heading to the metro station, and then stop and go back again. Walk up to his floor and wait behind the doors – I want to know if he listens to the music, watches the news, if he is with someone. As always, silence, only when I hear his cough, it satisfies me. He’s reading some crazy econ paper, I am guessing.

I miss you a little bit, I’m writing waiting for the next train. And the guy with the guitar sings on the metro some good songs I cant remember anymore. And, the woman smiles asking if I wanted to sit. I shake my head and continue counting her countless gray hair. Handsome Englishmen get off at the same metro station as me. It rains, slowly, calmly, softly. The streets shine orange, bluish-white. He doesn’t answer.

parizske momentky

Cupkam domov a vykrucam zadkom. Len tak, z roztopase. Minam ludi, tak ako minam peniaze. Zobrakov a opilcov, mladez so zelenymi vlasmi a funky topankami. Vsetci su minuti, do poslednych drobnych.

Cupitam a vrkoc mi poskakuje v rytme. V tonoch ciganskym piesni hravanych pred barom La Formi, na rohu mojej ulice. Ze neviete?! Ale ba, takato: besame, besame muucho, s hlbokym, smutnym, a krasnym hlasom postarsej ciganky a sprievodu mozno este starsej basy. Este doteraz mi srdce posiela krv do koncekov prstov hmkajuc tu istu melodiu.

Moj odraz v sklenenych vitrinach pekarni a malych butikov je prekvapivo uspokojivy. Mozno preto, ze je sero. Teda urcite.

Vryvam si do srdca tvare poulicnych predavacov ruzi, a miestnych casnikov. Zapamatam si bozky, co priroda dnes stedro nadelila tim milencom, co prave zastali pred branou kostola. A tie kostolne vrata sa vlnili v rytme organa a anjelskych piesni. Vsetko si vryvam do srdca a hned zabudam, nestiham si ani zapisat na papier, vsetko je prec mavnutim ruky, vsetko, len nie ten hrejivy pocit.

Moment, ktory ked zatvorim oci, hocikde na svete a v hociktoru chvilku, mi vycari usmev na tvari.

A Surprise party tonite.

Ah, that’s how it is! Everything starts making sense to me, just now.

I still watch people on the train from that cornerest corner – is he a student, or maybe not - maybe he just can wear jeans to work and take a two hour lunch break. Handsome, must say. Kinda blond, kinda tall, im thinking, but hes sitting, so I cant really tell.

The mom with a baby on her breast. Babies are my weak side. I get so sweet when I can watch them. Id like to have one. Like now, or even yesterday.

The man is not there anymore. I wonder which station he got off.

The lady left too. With the baby, imagine.

And in my thoughts, I go back to this clear message I’ve been receiving, but not decoding.

I don’t want a girlfriend right now.

 ‘What?’ He must have read in my eyes.

Not a serious girlfriend, I mean.

Well, I leave you now to do the work, I get up after a few minutes. Usual two kisses on the cheeks, in all this confusion I also get the third one. He thanks for the pleasant surprise.