tam a vtedy

sedim na vyhriatom muriku a lizem zmrzku. okolo sa premavaju auta. smeruju k plazi alebo od plaze. v montevideu je skoro koniec leta. prijemny koniec. medzi mnou a autami sa premavaju aj ludia. mozno je ich viac ako aut, neviem, mozno. niektori na mna hladia, niektori hladia na moju zmrzlinu, niektori hladia do seba. ja na nich nehladim. vsimam si len ich topanky. vlastne, ani nelizem zmrzlinu, len ju vytahujem ohybnym plastovym plieskom z plastoveho teglika.

zda sa mi, ze nikam nepatrim. ze ani nikam nechcem patrit, ked uz teraz viem, o com to je. chybaju mi veci, ktore by mi vobec chybat nemuseli. alebo teda nesmeli - vsak sa uz nevratia. chybaju mi letne prazdniny a kopy sena v stodole. a slnko na konci leta, prijemne, dedinske, vyhrievajuce muriky. chybaju mi ludia, ktori by ma nikdy nesklamali.

zmrzlina je prilis sladka. plieskom natahujem karamel. vobec mi nechuti. ani nechce

summer with no spring

all of them, at the same time. this boy is begging for things to be as they were before, j. texts that we should meet, and this kenyain sweetie kisses me when i drop him off. no, thanks, i will pass a view from the 36th you have up there. ive gotta go. this kiss was stunning thou. we talk easy. i let him feel confident. he shouldnt.

jumping right into the tropical air, i suddenly feel all the energy attacking me. counting the uneven tiles on the rios sidewalks, feeling a light, hot breeze, pumping the overfilled strees into my veins, holding his hand - the only touch weve allowed ourself to make - it feels great. he spends money, i save it. he chooses taxi, i wanna take the bus. he wants to see rich, i love the poor. hes carelessly rude, im overpolite. he decides, i plan.

falling asleep during the rain, thunders, lightening, with an open window behind the iron bars, smile on my face. fa-lling as-leep

then having this kinda strong suger-limets-vodka mix, i know its not the time

he would feel very constrained by me. so, we hold our hands, then fingers, then hands.

welcome back, mr. stupid

when he was leaving just hours before christmas, messaging me that he just bought the ticket and his flight was scheduled for ten pm that night, i did not ask when he was coming back. yes, i wanted, but i didnt. lifting my chin up, i was too proud to be interested. he said that it was alright if i met someone during this time he was gone. it was alright, how generous! yes, he actually meant it was alright for him.

i got a text today. he had so much fun; he is so glad he went!

good, im happy for you

id like to see you... come

:) what an idiot 

good. for now

feels good to be sitting here, in panties and a shirt, with this irreplaceable feeling that there are papillions moments left. moments like this one. calm. present. purposeful. relaxing. in panties and a shirt.

looking for what i want, or, better, how i want it, has given me strength to refuse dates, ski trips, or bar hopping. i just ordered catch 22 and hope it will come before i get on the plane. have never read heller in english. cant wait to do it now! if not, ill take the german version of america and will pretend everything is crystal clear to me.

(i just turned down two guys asking me for a date for months. they could not understand how come i know i would never fall in if i dont even wanna try. no, i didnt say i wasnt attracted - it doesnt make any difference anyway. call me shallow, i dont care)

i actually like this silence. no txts, no calls, and if there are any, i pretend i left my phone at the north pole. im making plans about future and its magical. i paint, i clean, i organize, read every column in the paper, and watch the newest movies online. i am alone. must feel right.

if it did feel right, it would be wrong. we dont want that. 

minuleho roka

pripijame si od tretej. nech to uz teda oslavime, ako sa patri. moje telo mi pripada dokonale, ked na seba hladim pred sprchou o par hodin na to.

zarovno s chlapcami do seba vlievam stamprle. netrva mi to dlho - smerujem do postele, aspon na par minut. 

vianocne predsavzatie - na chlapa anilen nepozriem aspon rok - mi vydrzalo aspon tyzden. vtiska mi bozky a ja sepkam, ze mam vypite. 

vstavam, odpocitam poslednu minutu, sampanske v plastikovom pohariku mi nadvihuje zaludok. kazdeho objimem, aj jeho. uz na seba nepozrieme.