dotyky

viem, ze sa mu tieto budu pacit. viazem si maslu na letnych easy-breezy satockach pod ktore nemusim takmer nic. pavucinkove sandaliky, prirodzene kucery a na pery jahodovu vonu. 

usmeje sa a ja znova zistim, ako velmi a preco ma tak velmi pritahuje. zabudam najst tu najmensiu chybicku, vyhovorku preco by to neslo.

nepriblizim sa celucicky film, on urobi to iste. chvilu sa mu chcem opriet o rameno, druhu chvilu polozit sa mu do lona, poskrabkat ho po chrbte, prejst mu vlasmi. dotknut sa ho. jeho ruk, pier, opalenej pokozky. a potom vnutra, niektorych myslienok, krajceka srdca. viete, dotknut sa ho.

natiahnem sandaliky na nohy, musim bezat a on vravi, ze mozno mozem este par minut ostat. neviem ci mozem... asi mozem.... vravia moje bozky. o par minut sepka, ze nemoze on. vlozim sa mu do lona, pytam sa, rozumiem, rozstrapatim mu vlasy, zavriem dvere. ma druhy zivot. nepatrim don.

mam na perach jemny usmev. uz nevonaju jahodami, vonaju nim, vonaju letom, vonaju dotykmi a najprv si myslim, ze ziadnou bolestou, ale potom, potom povedia na dvojke:

if you leave me now, youll take away the biggest part of me~~~ uh uh uh uuuuh oh no baby please dont go

a takto sa ma lahucko dotkne aj to ostatne

summery about grown-up girls

we spread a blanket so close to the sidewalk that people excuse themselves for jumping over my feet. i pour chardonnay into plastic wine glasses; the bottle is gone before the concert starts. amazing cubans sing - buena vista social club, and we dance empowered by the connections weve created for past few months.

- are you not attracted to him?

- no, thats not the point! i do not date him because i am not attracted. but... i am not!  

- it is a big part thou, attraction...

~~~

- speaking of attraction, i say later, i look at the guy thinking that i dont want a redhead baby!

- mee tooo! she opens her eyes widely. we laugh and finish the wine.

late in night, it is ice cream time. cones are so big and so full of chocolate that i have ice cream everywhere - shirt, cheeks, fingers. 

- here, try the strawberry one

- hmmm - the chocolate chip mint is amazing!

covered with the blanket, dreaming aloud on the train, opening up about memories that were to stay inside for ever

yes, its been a great night!

sundays

sometimes i wonder if i would be able to handle something unplanned. i wonder if there will be time in my life when i will really take things easy.

these woods are the calmest thing in the world. nothing to compare - just get lost somewhere, smile and laugh, talk to yourself, stop when you feel like resting, jump when you feel like moving, run when you do not need to, and lay down, undress, tan every piece of your skin. im imagining how the rain rinses these leaves - in a slow motion, it kisses whole surface, little drops wait for the rest, and fall down quietly breaking up on the black asphalt. free falling. nobody notices.

its all good. i like free falling. the one that is nicely planned - from the time the first drop touches the surface until the weight of all makes them to say bye.

(cant wait to see him again - i know, i should make myself not want him. it would be easier on us.

i dont want to destroy your beautiful young life, he said

by not wanting to get into my life, he did - oh he did)

transition time

-hey baby! im flying to stockholm. be back in a week. wanna see you then!

reading the message, i raise my eyebrows - why should it matter to me? with or without you...

-okay. be a good boy!

-oh no. you wouldnt want me to be a good boy

true. im not interested in good boys. 

-coffee, miss? no, ehm... cubs game? biking? and, what about getting ice cream?

-damn, i kinda have my own life!

-oh i do too, but i am making some time for you 

~~~i stay silent. no need to add to it~~~ he just doesnt get that a 'no' is the no.  

i feel the shadow of the roof on my legs. the sun is coming down fast. the air reminds me of the summer breeze back home - filled with this cigarette smoke that smells different when its hot. im thinking about closing my eyes, just for a second - until whole my body is covered with the dusk. but, i manage to keep reading. 

~~~

stuffy, humid, sticky, heavy air. the sweat drops pop out right under my feather hair around the face, under my lower lip, my bra is soaking wet. i wonder which part of my body doesnt sweat. 

dressed up for the fashion show, i have to survive walking a good amount of blocks. im thinking that heels are not human, but i know it is good to be noticed. good to know i am still here. i do not care who notices, who slows down, who waves. it makes me feel im here, right here.

i get a glass of pink lemonade, lock myself in the washroom, take the shoes off, rest on the toilet. just now i get a chance to look at the high ceilings and classical details in a need of renovation. i walk the rooms one by one discovering old paintings and rusty surgical knifes. makes me feel like a child who found out about forgotten under a grandmothers roof. 

what? fashion show?? oh, fashion show!! its almost over. good.

~~~

im thinking of you, he emails. yes, and i am glad i am moving out soon. he is older than my dad. i know he enjoys having this young chick with him - and i like listening to his stories, but i have no time for being this platonic. honestly - a thought crossed my mind: no, i would not bear a child for him. 

and, the time flies by. i open the calculus textbook, start on the repetitious integrations. at the end, i feel the best with the girls - knowing they will not try to date me, fall in love, or attempt to sleep with me. having a date with them tomorrow - going to the beach, movies, and dinner.

its time to leave this place. it is about the time