clubbin

no eye contact, no eye contact, no eye contact! i keep repeating for myself when dancing. somehow, in this club, the eye contact doesnt need to last seven seconds to show your interest. actually, there doesnt need to be any at all. i feel random peoples hands on my waist. im scared to be bolder and bring a bit of drama to this place. (they checked my purse for guns). its so ghetto. its so dark. i dont recognize the music. i feel ashamed for girls who are pole dancing shaking their naked butts. no, no gogo girls. just regular. bit bigger than regular.

i kinda knew m. choices would not work. the second place was crowded with people looking like they all have fake ids. so many stripe shirts - oh gosh, why guys wear stripe shirts - so many dance requests and all of them refused...

when going home, i look up to check in how many windows they are sleeping already - or rather not. maybe i see his or him smoking on the balcony, i dont know - maybe...

its five and i feel like back in teenage years. so late home. so very empty.

i gave it another try

hes texting if i think about him like hes been  since he woke up. 

im polite and reserved. its so hard knowing i will hurt him when i share what i have on my mind. but: better now than later.  

dont know what the turning points going to be. but it (he) will need to be a decent one. to be able to keep up with me. 

now i know

:) heh

laughing. my funny choices. my intuition. (if there is any)

suddenly, he doesnt mind to drive here to bring me an earring i lost in his bed. when he kisses my cheek, i know it is not about the pearl i usually put into my ear - it is about breaking all connections. he says sorry for being a bit drunk the other night. dont worry, i know. now i know.

i call him after a good soccer match. i know he remembers everything from the night - yet - he says he doesnt. i remember him saying he liked me from the beginning. yes, i clearly remember the answer to my question if that night was an one-time-only thing: no, i want you for always. now he confuses me. doesnt want to explain. talks too fast when asking straight-forward questions. funny. funny i wanted to believe him. good i got enough of sleep last night - this doesnt seem to be the case for now.

now i know.

the speed of light

didnt take long at all. i was still not over him: when partying i did not pay attention to other guys. 

he is falling asleep with me in his arms, and dont feel its wrong. i questioned him and i dont think it is about another girl. it was just an easy way how to say a good-bye to a young girl. hes had enough beer tonight - i can be a bit rude and myself. i know that the expression you deserve someone better is a bull. he would not ask me to come here, and i make the choice anyway.

leaving before they try to tow my car, before my family members start calling what happened, before the sun rises to dry the fog. before he wakes up.

  

happy...

so im standing on a step kissing this boy. hes over a year younger. my first time ever. first time to make out with someone younger than me. he says he will call me. good. i guess

wanted to go out to the city. i ended up just driving around, watching drunks getting pizza. and, recalling all the places we went to. the beginnings of tears suggested it would be better to head back to the suburbs.

so i met with my ex-coworker. im so unusual, so out of order in that local bar, that guys dont even know how to approach me. good. im thankful for the respect. i dont want to entertain any middle-age, half-drunk who thinks sports are the main news of the world. i dont. neither i want to listen about my great shoes, nice tan, or bold eyes. keep it for yourself. coworker tells me they changed the rule about dating at the company.

its late, but i do not feel like going home. i make a turn to go around my ex-boss ex-lover house. having a feeling that i need to, suddenly, know how he is. i know - its pathetic. the suburbs sink in a very black silence. 

... birthday (connect to the title)

september came

demanding his attention, he answers he met someone.

oh shit. well, its bad enough that i have to acknowledge i made a bad choice, he adds another woman to it. there is only one expression: oh shit.

talking to my guy friends. telling them all straight what happened. i need those supporting words how worthy i am. i do. 

i told him i wanted us to be friends. i lied. i dont give a damn about the friendship. i want him to know he missed something. maybe he didnt. but its about creating an illusion that he did. 

having a date tomorrow.