In the land of tulips

Creating a romantic connection with someone who you have known for a big part of your life is not all that simple. We were in love, him not as long as me, but still, we were, for some time. We had an ocean between us and a few disappointments. Some time of silence followed, and when I then saw him after some years, I ensured myself that I did not feel any attraction. I found him impolite, and his ideas populistic. He drank too much. And, I was in love with someone else.

Exchanging a word or two from time to time, and then exchanging first touches, a promise of a visit, then the visit, some bottles of wine (he still drinks too much), multiple grasses matinees, I found myself silent in the conversations, shy speaking my mother tongue, and unwilling to see him as the man that I could fit with. 

I am heading south, to my current home, as only few hundred kilometers of land separate us now, remembering meeting his colleague earlier today while grocery shopping. 

"Is this your girlfriend, buddy?"

"Yes"

I did not handle the good-bye too well, big tears rolling out of the eyes - of course only once he turned the corner. I wanted to stay, roll in bed till noon each day, cooking dinners, and telling him to take the trash out. I wanted to stay and be the first saying good morning to him. 

It scares the hell out of me.