macicka

bolo devat a prsalo. kvapky mi brnkali do nosa, taxiky mliazdili mlaky, zelene svetla striedali cervenu v pravidelnych intervaloch. neonky orandzovili tmu a ja som chcela zamavat na niektore z tych zltych aut, nasadnut a povedat: odvez ma niekde, odvez ma niekde do pekla. za akukolvek cenu!

ale som nie, len som mliazdila mlaky mojimi sestkami topankami a nechavala si prsat na spicku nosa a krivit vlasy do tucnych kucier. tie padajuce kvapy sa trochu nahynali od vetra, az to vyzeralo, ze Hollywoodski scenaristi robili kulisu strasne umelo padajuceho dazda v strasne obrovskom velkomeste. Uz len pockat kym zpoza rohu vybehnu filmovo natrenovane krysy a filmovo zahvizdaju.

neonky orandzuju mesto a zvodne odhaluju niektore jeho kontury. moj vystrich bol dnes prihlboky, priznavam.

Magnolia days

i baked muffins. for him. like: this time, finally, when he opens the door, i will have something in my hand.

it usually hurts me a lot. boooom, right there, hurting, forcing my eyes watering. bitches, they always betray. 

i will wake up in the morning, and i know there will be another day and i will hope for another sunday. i guess it is easier like this. he never takes hope. id like it harder, thou. id like to fight with real love.

this year, magnolia days are over. 

countdown

glasses, apples, muffins and sunday

cleaning up the kitchen on my bed table. how can a girl have such a mess?! im talking to myself. disgusting, disgusting! laughing on my own conversation. i love those little conversations.

last few days, ive been referring to myself as her. so, for example: daddy, zabka is hungry, you should make her something to eat. zabka is feeling sleepy, she'd better go to the bed.

i ended up doing the same thing at work. they couldnt stop laughing. i enjoy such moments. they make you smile for the rest of the day.

so im cleaning up about ten water glasses from my bed table, referring to myself as a girl and using horrible gender assumptions. 

anybody interested in those few pieces of apple i have left from breakfast? id pack it together with cinnamon-apple muffins i baked earlier today. let me know - if im not answering, im probably in the shower (after that two hours table-tennis match).

ive gotta get ready. its sunday, you know... many things happen on sundays :)

sweet little lier

every saturday morning i feel the same way: a rich girl. tons of time. this day is to catch up whatever i have planned for too long. with every hour, i realize it is just another day. and pennies disappear from my pockets. but, every saturday morning, i feel very rich.

until i hear about girls younger than me getting married, and my single long-time-no-see girlfriends ask if i date someone. 

im twenty two,  i wanna yell. girls, why do you make such a big deal of it?! girls, dont get married yet, dont have kids pleazz...

yes, every saturday morning i feel i have my life in front of me and the best things to come. slowly, i keep realizing im such a good liar. 

which one now?

so i went to party. was late when i got there. mishelle, smoking outside, says: a billion people asked where you are?! 

the apartment was crowded. people i had never seen before, crazy outfits, young school girls forcing you think whether they have been born before i finished at least the first level of grammar school. i whispered excuse me to tons of mostly drunks scanning me from head to toe. ch. had a boobs-showing girl on his knee. as soon as he saw me he jumped up and started conversation.

a man, i was thinking.

melissa noticed me in her drunk oppression: started kissing my face. i thought for a second that she tried to kiss me closer and closer to my lips, but i just kept hugging her instead and taking the cocktail slowly from her hands. it turned out to be almost-an-hour persuasion about dropping her off, but she ended up falling asleep in one of the rooms, and i was called a designated driver for driving her girlfriend home. 

dannys room was full of gray fog, and i was sure i would get high only by entering it. so i didnt. 

ch. left and he wanted me to go outside with him, but i didnt feel like doing it. and, it was cold. so i told him ill talk to him another time. then a guy tried to make out with me just like that; whohooo, i yelled while leaning backward. im not drunk, young man.

taking shots with I.: he thinks drinking from a bottle is cool, and i dont mind - saving costs, energy, and nature. recession, you know..

augustovy asked if im a lesbian. we had been kissing like twice before, so he knew the answer. no, im not. why? - cause youre unbelievably sexy! - really? i asked with that boring voice showing i dont really trust what he says, and i dont care anyway. i did thou. thats what i wanted to hear.

not too long ago, they would guess i looked five years younger than i actually was. now, making "big" decisions and feeling how much respect others have for me, the popular thought changed. the current dilemma is: you look soooo innocent. or, are you a lesbian? 

:) 

i seriously thought relationships would be a piece of cake for me

snowing. oh gosh - people "statussing" on facebook. 

ch. called. i didnt answer. we got too close yesterday on the party. make me black, make me black, felix, a bold-headed mexican yelled for fun, when they were taking shots of hennessy together. didnt answer cause dont wanna hurt him; as always...

zajo texted. where you go to school? and then, is it snowing by you?

answered honestly: if he noticed that it is hard for us to talk. it has never happened to me with anybody!

he said sorry.

i said he had nothing to be sorry for. it would just make it easier for us.

mistake. mistake!

he doesnt need to talk, doesnt need to know, he doesnt need to make it easier. 

he got offended. 

oh well, at least i can finish my reading bout state building.

i want

i am tired of it. guys walking by and saying hello, trying to start conversation, or just acting stupidly smart. starting with that one in his forties, who keeps three jobs. big belly, curly hair and mustache (not curly), and a stupid attitude. anyway, he asks me what im doing on saturday. (hell, not spending it with you - im thinking). girl does a little chit-chatting  from time to time and waves saying hello and he wants to go out with me?! what the..

another one started conversation: so how long you have been working here? ah, four years, i said. only? he responded. well, im not that ooold, i raised my eyebrows. i excused myself for having a lot of work. i know he just ment he had been working there forever, but... oh, come ooon. 

polish guy, mechanic. drives by five times per three hours, smiles like a star, and always asks in polish how i am. it is obvious im terribly bad in speaking polish, yet, he always starts like that. besides, what could possibly change from 5 to 615 that he asks the same sh*t.

girlfriends call me heartbreaker. no, i say. if you give someone a chance, then you might be called like that. we are leaving the 24-hour breakfast place and within 10 minutes im desperately trying to get them leave while they are having so much fun because that guy in white is trying to claim i broke his hearth. see, we told you you are a heartbreaker a few hours ago.

im just not interested. all i want are those who i cannot have. isnt it sick?!