i want out

looking into the rearview mirror, i feel like they are chasing me. it makes me quite calm, this feeling of all cars behind me, like horses on a horse race. i make up different allegories, different stories, i think about different people - so i do not have time to question my behavior.

i want to get out! out of this crazy cycle of attraction games. im screaming, screaming so loud that nobody can hear me. and girls mention: you kinda date a lot of guys. where do you meet them? how should i know? where are you from, boy? how did we meet? remind me, whats your bday; how many brothers youve got? --- ive always been proud of remembering these details. 

oh, baby, i want a back yard big like this and then ill tell you: hey, go, cook something, grill! and youll make me a burger.

well... okay. i cut on calling him

its late at night, or, rather, early in the morning. i walk out - because good girls always come home. rain is pouring, i look over my shoulder - it might look sexy, right? youve gotta run, he says. taking heels off, i catch all the raindrops, warm like summer, streets empty and sidewalks calling my real name, happy, they say, just happy

carpe diem

there is nothing better than this moment. summery. rainy. slow. or dynamic. it will not get better.

 

so much ice cream that my belly cant take it no more.

skinny dipping nights, we name ourselves fireflies - our butts flashing in the dark.

free concerts in millennium park - boys trying to teach me tango.

getting hundreds on calculus tests. i love being the best.

dreaming. big and real. 

a new boy. im so tired of making effort, so i dont. i text that i wont come; i email that i will not call tonite. i hope for him not to develop any feelings, but when he holds the door of the car for too long saying too little, i know it is quite late. im leaving, i say. but you are coming back, he answers.

whatever. seize the day.