dropped confidence

he zips my strapless dress asking if it doesnt hurt to have them so tight. we laugh on stupid things: like if the dress was not too tight, then what? we go to eat, the second time today - means weve spent quite a few hours together, to the small mexican place where they do not really understand us. nobody can know how amazing and easy we feel. 

he asks if i need to live with my parents. i say no. i ask why, but he is just wondering. i feel like there is something behind it. male thinking is sometimes very transparent. 

then he asks if i need to work these crazy hours. explaining the situation, i suddenly feel confident about him. i shouldnt. i wont.

cause it still might hurt.

svato.janska.

zo svatojanskych noci som vzdy mala cudny pocit. smutny. znamenali, ze dni sa kratia. ztmievat sa bude skor, noci bude viac.

teraz? uzivam si pomaly prud vody na nafukovacke mrkajuc na mladuckych plavcikov, opalovanie sa na luke a pohlady osameleho bezca alebo toho, co si uzival rychlu jazdu na koni, necham kolegu pozriet si vystrich na priatelskom stretnuti, kedze v praci takuto moznost nikdy nedostane. a potom, tie najkrajsie veci odlozim na neskor, na cas, ked sa zveceri. 

pobehujem mu po byte. v jeho tricku, kucery mi padaju na plecia, umyvam riad a utieram prach. nechcem sa mu strcit do zivota, vnutit sa milym usmevom, urobit sa nevyhnutnou... len mu chcem umyt kuchynu. vymenime si zopar bozkov, odstrim ho, nech ma necha dokoncit to. usmieva sa. neskor vravi, ze mal uzasny den. verim mu.

do dna sa totiz zmesti menej, ale ja z toho spravim hrstku kvalitnejsich cinnosti.

a noci su o trochu dlhsie.

cap and gown, life and love

the world is spinning around me. literally. my mom is nervous because of me, my dad did not go for a trip because of me, my great girlfriend came to the US because of me, my brother took a weekend off from work for me, my other brother blew gold balloons for me. actually, my graduation and all the cooking, preparing, cleaning. 

hope ill see you guys here tomorrow! im texting the rest of a few who i do not have a contact with on facebook.

he texts back: sorry, i cannot come.

and i wanna text him back: you know what?! f. you! id get vulgar, mad, asking for attention, asking for a bit of something that would look like love. its my day, my spinning, my happy moment, and i want you there, so f. you if you dont wanna come. 

instead i said to him to come to get some food at least. and if not, i understand. good little church girl, right?

just now he got back to me saying he will try to get the work done. 

you know what? forgiven.  

bubbles

very sensitive. 

very soft, weak, delicate. you look at me and i wont look into your eyes. im too bubbly. too easy to break. so ready to be destroyed

im strongly correlated to the tone of his speech. to the feeling coming from his mood. such a strong relationship between the inside of my bubble and him. shame. 

im a bubble. temporary. with a rainbow as a side dish. im just a tiny outside layer. everything inside disappeared.

(will become stronger tomorrow.)

discretion lights

after.

can you see the fireworks? he reacts on the noise. i tilt the window curtain, watch amazing- almost non-real- picture of the city right from his bed. lights end somewhere far in the horizon or somewhere far in the skies. little white boats - finally parked - decorate the dark lake. im thinking of nothing, still under the influence of enormous joy, euphoria, relief...

youre beautiful... sitting there like this, he whispers. i know he loves the girlishness of my expressions, body, face, mind...

and im just thinking now how much it amazes me how spontaneously honest he is. and how much i want it to just stay like this. or repeat indefinitely. 

fallin in...

dressed up nicely. a hot-pink dress, high heels, a trench coat. i nailed the presentation with my jokes (yeah, they love my accent, and they looove when i start acting funny) - somehow i talked about the eu environmental policy for 20 minutes. then went to the econ end-of-the-year celebration (yes, they had free food). texted him if he was busy. wanted to be spontaneous, but i wasnt. we met at six.

you seem... uhm... different.

how?! i got fckin scared. what the heck am i doing wrong?

nervous.

again. like with all guys when i start being interested in them. i would not give a damn about him two weeks ago. i did not care if he calls or not. when he asked if i was waiting for his call... i answered honestly: not really. 

and now...

almost...

... love (connect to the title)