polcasova kriza

vietor ma prefukaval do poslednej nitky. vravi sa to o dazdi, ale mna tak prefukal vietor. stala som pod velkou ziarovkou na nadrazi a myslela na to, ze nejak tak ziju kurcata na vykrm. pod velkymi teplymi ziarovkami. 

tuzim po lete, po jemnych satockach pod ktorymi ostanem naha. aj po tom, aby to ktosi vedel. kracali by sme si po starej asfaltke, pod kosatymi bukmi a brestami z ktorych vykukavaju jemnulinko zelene listky. vedel by, ze sa moze citit bezpecne. a ja by som citila, ze viem, ze... 

este to niekolko zim a jari potrva.

otacam hlavu kym vo vzduchu poletuju paperove kusky mrazu. stale myslim na tie vykrmove kurcata. im tak zima urcite nie je. 

zachranila ma elektricka. odmotam sal, ochladia ma ludske tvare.

dangerous.

zatiahla som si bielu perinu po bradu. vcera som ju vyprala, este imaginarne vonala. sklbila som sa, potiahla kolena blizsie k telu. zavraty tepla a na to triaska, neutichajuca bolest vo vnutri. dnesok sa neskonci, neviem si predstavit, ze by skoncil... 

vsetky ceruzky mam v niektorych knihach. ani jedna v peracniku. nanervy - ta predstava kolko knih musim docitat za sedem tyzdnov. dnes som citala tu o state death. pisala ju zena. zvacsa ma to nezaujima, kto napise co, ved si predstavte, aby ma to vsetko zaujimalo. potom by som vedela vsetky priezviska takych ludi ako patrik - ten vraj chce vydat knihu a aj by mu ju vydali, len je kriza. tak mi povedal. ako moze ktosi vydat knihu, ak nema ani kusticok mozgu. ako? tak pisala ju zena, lebo prisamvacku som chcela vediet kto by mohol napisat v zozname vsetkych "mrtvych" statoch, ze czechoslovakia mala v 38 violent state death a neskorsich kapitolach pisat len o non-violent z 92. vsetkych nas biednych studentov chce nacisto domadarit?

ale vravim, bolo mi zle. aj som kolegovi pisala, ze dnes sa najest nejdeme. povedal, ze fajn. dobry chalan. nevnucuje sa. tak to mam rada. teda nie, nemam.

vo stvrtok sme podpisovali kazdorocne hr papierovacky. posledny bol o romantic, sexual, or other relationship at the workplace. vyhodia toho na vyssej pozicii. ak obaja su na rovnakom leveli, ide ten s vacsim poctom rokov. uz viem, preco sa bal. 

zababusim sa do perin. sa v nich citim velmi bezpecne. kym mi rano nezazvoni budik a praca ma zacne zasa ohrozovat.

waw

hes rude. how can he call me slniecko again? why does he do it?

yesterday i went to fulfill my almost-citizen obligation: sunday shopping. stopping for a second by baby clothing and shouting: oh, mami, look how cute! have another babygirl again! and my mom, as usual, responds: well, its your turn. 

no, its not. walking by the teenage washroom supplies, my little depression started. whats the point of going through all this... from pregnancy sickness, through explaining multiplying in the second grade, to troubles with your teenager. and then worrying they wont kill themselves in their new car. i had an odd day at work, was late for school, and on the top of it i lost the battle against the cold. again.

and now he tells me - already at work at 430 in the morning, getting there straight from the bar - to send him a kiss. breakfast to bed. to get closer to him. 

he is really rude. he messed up whole depression thing. 

a summary

staying home over the weekend. have to catch up my sleep deficit from changing to an early shift (had to change it cause too many guys wanted to go out with me, too many had my number). and heal. primarily running nose from that lovely sunday skiing with a boy from work, but maybe not only that.

so how many is it currently? really five? yeah... platonic. whether their platonic love towards me, or, worse, me platonically loving someone. unreal. all of them.

my ex. a big love. he was back home; i just got here. i spend all my free time chatting. smart, sweet, and not vulgar. the first picture he sent me.. i remember his big lips and childish face. didnt like him first, but then i realized he was HOT. like... hot. saw him in real on the train station that january, spent three days in bed. we still kept in touch for another two years and something. big love. for him lasted about a half year. me? i guess still with a status 'hoping' (since we broke up last april). or maybe not. im a woman - im not sure. 

the boss. ex boss. helped to heal the big love. i liked him since he got moved to my area. slept with him first time i went to his house after like two months of texting and emails. kinda cold between us. maybe my female need for protection or whatever sh*t attracts me to him, but deep inside i know i wouldnt want him to be mine in the future. i just feel i want to be the one who WINS his hearth. yeah... i guess he wouldnt be that amazing if i did.

short, brown eyes, handsome, bold. no ambitions. when we met, he started talking about being an architect, then a cop, but all his plans would need HIM to realize IT. for right now, he is fine with a part time job. i know he would never cheat on me, not even with that little polish bitch whos so jealous about me even thou he keeps telling her theres nothing between us. yes, another thing, its a secret. i would get fired for going out with my employee (and my exboss going out with me), so only a few people know. but what there really is - thats a secret for both of us. so i dont forget about it: i see him like once in two-three months. maybe not even that. fortunately. 

my secret admirer. girls made fun of me how in love he is. he started going to school (supposably because of me). i told girls there is no chemistry. there is not! and then i told him i didnt wanna hurt him. he said i wouldnt, and wanted me to try. i dont wanna try. i just know...

augustovy. thats the month we kissed. blond hair, goofy laugh, teacher-to-be. i fell in love with him when i started working there, but then i 'met' 'my ex'. he does seem to like me, but doesnt do much to prove it. i guess hes too busy. oh well. 

 

(and a few others, some of them ready to propose, others just trying to get closer to me, even thou... one can never know).

yes, five current ones. non-real. i just dont feel to look for someone who it would be perfect with, cause then it would make things harder. i wanna go work to china, wanna go to a grad school to get a phd then, work for a strategic or advisory agency, travel to help whole countries of people! how could that work? 

on the top of that,  when i meet a guy i know that this is/is not what im looking for. havent met anyone since i started chatting with one boy who was in love with me for six months. maybe not even that.

i dont know where my desire to have lots of babies fits. nowhere for right now. no time for love. i wouldnt mind to make it thou! (important notice: this is written on Jan 17, 2009 at 4:37 PM. another month, another day, another minute it can change rapidly. yes, you ARE right - i AM truly, with all my heart, and being proud of and aware of it, a WOMAN).

zabka

imagine&dream

i got pulled over. a new car, going too smooth. i didnt even realize i drove 50 (yes, thats what he said) where 25 is. well... i knew i had to come up with some strategy. i am a female - it will work. as soon as he approached, i smiled. he smiled back - a confused smile. asked for a driver license - never have it on me, its always in my other purse. so i gave him my work id, he asked a few questions and let me go with a mini-warning. cool, i told myself, it wasnt so bad for the first time being pulled over.

i had to work on the new years eve. sucks, but they pay double and its just another day, right? all guys that are trying to go out with me, wished a happy new year through text messages. even my ex-boss - the one who always does the first step (im somehow, according to a non-written rule, excluded from starting first. that annoys me!) so he texted me. 

by the ex-boss' number in my phone, i wrote dont answer, he doesnt deserve it. i was able to do so only till today the noon. cause i really had a bad temptation to see him tonight. we almost met and everything would be as always, and i would be sad afterwords, but they called him from work. had a sympathetic feeling for a sec: he doesnt call me often 'cause they have him work a lot. i know, its bullsh*t. 

yesterday, at the beginning, i caught his attention for a millisecond. yes, that amazing men. he had another girl - every party a different one. i know the only way how i can be interesting to him is to ignore him. so i did. later that night, he stopped me when going around with appetizers. he looked into my eyes, purposely for a second longer. i smiled ironically, fixed his tie, and turn my back to him. didnt look at me anymore. ill see him at another party with another girl. and what.

so im writing this cause i really wanted to see the ex-boss. 2009, can you imagine? i thought i would die as a virgin in 2000 according to all those scary forecasts of my then-friends. and im still alive - plus not a virgin anymore. actually, its been what... 6 years (and three days) since im not... funny story - it happened behind the church! once i have a minute, i will write about it for you. not today. today i wanted to make love to someone who im crazy about and who is not about me. on the wall, i hanged two pictures. one says imagine. the other one dream. doing both of them.