dedicated

decided to get it all.

i look at him questioning myself if i can love him. if i can live with him. no, no, dont take me wrong- everything is amazing and his morning coffee tastes like heaven, but it is a relief to know that he plans to go to a grad school - too strange to think that way for me. i became benevolent. i dont care whether he looks at me as his rest-of-his-life woman. i know that people dont change from day to day. but i did. 

i changed and all i really care about now is to try to be monogamous. yes, i am going to meet this attractive former football player on Monday. the intentions are right thou. i cant change the fact that the coincidences like this will happen to me and him!

and then i care about him going for that december wedding with me. no, dont promise me you will stay with me for the rest of your life. dont.

dont judge me. you cant judge me for becoming you.

i will have it all

turn to the next page

he looks at me like i was ms. perfect and that makes me so comfortable. we lead these passionate debates who-knows-about-what, and he seems to be excited. yes, we couldnt wait to get to that point- yes, you know what point. i like it more than i want to, and i am not as strong as i should be, but i didnt care too much. 

in the silence, between taking those deep breaths and wetting the sheets in the soft light, he says he thinks he loves me. i roll my eyes - it actually sounds funny. and, i get scared. loving me for being... good? oh no, please. 

comes over the next night, stays for another day, leaves on friday, but doesnt come back. 

i find myself thinking i need him here. 

once again, i am where i dont wanna be

predtym nez poviem dobre rano

Este je tma ked otvorim oci. Nepocitam baranky, len stisnem viecka a myslim na modre nebo, zlte slnko a zelenu travu s nejakym krovim. Podobne ako na detskom vykrese – len vynecham domcek s oknom predelenym vstvoro, velkymi dverami a krivym kominom pripevnenym k streche pod pravym uhlom. Robievam to tak od malicka. Malo by to fungovat ako baranky.

Este som mu chcela povedat, ze ked lezime, vyzera inak ako inokedy.

Zaujimam viacerych. Lichoti mi to. Viem, nema preco. Okna tymto neumyjem, ani zelena luka, zlte slnko a modre, bezoblacne nebo sa mi nebude premietat jednoduchsie. Dofrasa, stale ma nepresiel fakt, ze s blizencami si panny nerozumeju. Preco je tolko chlapov narodenych v juni?

Vravim si, ze casom vsetko preboli, spomienky sa vytratia, neciste pohnutky utecu alebo si najdu niekoho ineho. A ja raz vyrastiem z tych hormonalnych neistot. To si teda takto vravievam.

Brnkli mi do nosa prave popoluskyne ranne luce. 

dancing lesson.

going for a dancing class, im covering my side intentions. 

...

he smiles at me with a toothbrush in his mouth. i dont have to think whether its appropriate to kiss him or not. he makes the decision later for me. altho, i exactly know what i want.

he cooks for us. not that i have not seen a man cooking, but right now, i find it fascinating. someone makes me feel so special!

and then i went for that dancing.