reading the message, i raise my eyebrows - why should it matter to me? with or without you...
-okay. be a good boy!
-oh no. you wouldnt want me to be a good boy
true. im not interested in good boys.
-coffee, miss? no, ehm... cubs game? biking? and, what about getting ice cream?
-damn, i kinda have my own life!
-oh i do too, but i am making some time for you
~~~i stay silent. no need to add to it~~~ he just doesnt get that a 'no' is the no.
i feel the shadow of the roof on my legs. the sun is coming down fast. the air reminds me of the summer breeze back home - filled with this cigarette smoke that smells different when its hot. im thinking about closing my eyes, just for a second - until whole my body is covered with the dusk. but, i manage to keep reading.
~~~
stuffy, humid, sticky, heavy air. the sweat drops pop out right under my feather hair around the face, under my lower lip, my bra is soaking wet. i wonder which part of my body doesnt sweat.
dressed up for the fashion show, i have to survive walking a good amount of blocks. im thinking that heels are not human, but i know it is good to be noticed. good to know i am still here. i do not care who notices, who slows down, who waves. it makes me feel im here, right here.
i get a glass of pink lemonade, lock myself in the washroom, take the shoes off, rest on the toilet. just now i get a chance to look at the high ceilings and classical details in a need of renovation. i walk the rooms one by one discovering old paintings and rusty surgical knifes. makes me feel like a child who found out about forgotten under a grandmothers roof.
what? fashion show?? oh, fashion show!! its almost over. good.
~~~
im thinking of you, he emails. yes, and i am glad i am moving out soon. he is older than my dad. i know he enjoys having this young chick with him - and i like listening to his stories, but i have no time for being this platonic. honestly - a thought crossed my mind: no, i would not bear a child for him.
and, the time flies by. i open the calculus textbook, start on the repetitious integrations. at the end, i feel the best with the girls - knowing they will not try to date me, fall in love, or attempt to sleep with me. having a date with them tomorrow - going to the beach, movies, and dinner.
its time to leave this place. it is about the time
4 comments:
I can have a beer with him in Stockholm :-)
i can ask. most likely, he will ask for some of your pictures - you know, he doesnt hang out with just anybody.
:p
Tragic.
no - not really.
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